February 21, 2004 2:39 AM
[Post.1.1.1]
I've been on myself for a while now to get this blog up and running. It's nearly 2:30a tonight [this morning] and I finally decided that I'd get the framework ready since I'm awake. Hopefully it won't take me too long to get things finished. In the mean time I'm going to begin posting entries.
A little intro: right now I am serving in a local church in a rural part of the country. It's a fairly large church (350 in worship) for a smaller town (approx. 11,000). I've been here for some time now but I doubt I will be here much longer. This is one major topic that I will post more about here. Inward Journey is my attempt to, in effect, journal online. Whether or not anyone else ever looks here is inconsequential. This is a way for me to think, process, hope, plan, & pray [not particularly in that order]. I choose to blog anonymously for the time being because of the fact that I'm still serving in a local group of Christians. I want to have the freedom to speak from my heart without fear of confusion on the part of others. This will surely evolve over time, especially after we are no longer in the church where we currently serve.
For now this will have to do it. I'm fighting tired eyes and I'm quickly losing the battle. Must go to sleep now - I'll add more when I can.
Posted by Kristo on February 21, 2004 at 02:39 AM
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February 24, 2004 1:21 AM
[Can't.Sleep]
I don't know what is going on lately, but I've really been having trouble sleeping over the past week or so. It used to be that I could turn the light off, roll over and be out in a couple of seconds. Now it seems like my mind just won't slow down. Almost every time I lay down to go to sleep I am overwhelmed by thoughts. It's 1:00a right now & I felt like I needed to sit down and get some of this out of my system so that hopefully I can rest soon.
I'm worried ... and excited. There is a job possibility on the horizon that would be such a change for us in our life right now. It would mean a lot of changes, and I mean a LOT ...
- 'Secular' as opposed to 'Ministry' job (although I have issues with slapping around either of those labels - but for illustration's sake, I'll force myself to use them)
- Drop in base salary by close to half of what I'm making now
- Moving from a salaried to a salaried plus commission job
- Fixed weekly, 8-to-5 schedule as opposed to flexible, 24-hours-a-day on call, nights & weekends schedule
- Changing the very essence of what 'church' looks like for us - moving from the traditional, American 'church' (that you see almost everywhere around you) to a house-based, 'Word and Spirit' cell church
- Moving away from some in my family and moving closer to some in my wife's
- My wife working a part-time job for us to eek out a living for a little while as we adjust to a new career as opposed to her being able to be a full-time stay-at-home mom
- Some things that I'm able to assist her with surrounding our family will have to shift to her more because of the change in my work schedule
- Big city versus small town
- Having to take one of our kids out of school for the rest of the year (although he is only in Kindergarten and would have little impact on him)
- Our kids leaving friends that they've made and a place that they've always known
- Buying a home (or renting) as opposed to living in a parsonage
- And so on ...
I honestly could probably keep the list going for awhile, but I'll spare you any further details. Let's just say that this is a major life change moment for our family. And yet, even though I struggled with times of worry and wonder, as I am now, I still have this strange piece like I know it is the right thing. My wife has the same feeling. We're a little depressed over the struggle we are walking into on a lot of fronts, but totally excited about the possibilities as well.
God has been moving in our lives for almost a year now - gearing us in this direction of experimenting and experiencing what the church is to 'be' (not do as is the focus of most churches). We had hoped initially that we could express these things and venture out into unchartered territory and stay in our place of comfort - but we should have known better. God desires to stretch us beyond what we know of ourselves and what we know of Him. This excites me! I want to experience my God on a deeper level than I have ever known.
The Internet is the great place of comfort and koininia (fellowship) for me. When I feel alone, confused, like I'm losing my faith or rebelling against God (because I feel like I am rebelling against the church in many ways - not necessarily a bad thing), I get online and emmerse myself in what I see God doing around me. There is so much evidence that God is moving in new and fresh ways and calling His church, His bride, beyond the walls that they have so delicately constructed for themselves!
I want to explore this more, but right now I'm just worried. I don't doubt God - I will only doubt this opportunity if it comes crashing down in front of us (which I think is unlikely at this point). I will step forward into the life that God is calling us into on the next step of our journey with Him and will do so without wavering. My doubt, fears, worries, and apprehensions about what life may bring will be swallowed up by His great love and faithfulness to us. I will run to Him, rather than running from Him, whenever life doesn't make sense and when I wonder if I can go on. And I will embrace a God who refuses to be defined and bound by my feeble intellect and faith.
Posted by Kristo on February 24, 2004 at 01:21 AM
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[Innocence.Project]
The Innocence Project - http://www.innocenceproject.org/index.php
I'm doing some research for a writing assignment and ran into this web site in the process. I spent probably too much time reading through the case studies, but it was both amazing & sickening to me that there have been so many people wrongfully convicted of serious crimes which they did not commit. The Innocence Project outlines many of these for which postconviction DNA testing have completely exonerated.
Posted by Kristo on February 24, 2004 at 09:42 PM
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February 25, 2004 2:53 PM
[The.Passion]
My wife and I just got back from watching a pre-release screening of "The Passion of the Christ" for local church leaders. I have to say that I wasn't sure what to expect. I've felt compelled to watch it - not because Mel wants me to, or because it's the new 'in' thing with churches (so it seems), but because I wanted to identify with the Christ on the screen. I remember a few years back when I went to an Easter pageant at a local church. It wasn't the most dramatic presentation, and it certainly wasn't the most realistic, but it still moved me to tears because I could identify with the Christ on the stage - even if it was an imperfect glimpse into the Christ whom I live for/with.
I wanted to go, but part of me wanted to boycott the whole thing. I don't know whether Mel's intentions were pure or not when he began rounding up so much support from the Christian sub-culture. I do know that it has detracted some from the story being told. However, I felt like I needed to see it for myself and take from it what it had to offer on its own merits.
The film, in my opinion, is a good one. I enjoyed the liberties that Mel took filling in extra details that we don't necessarily see in the biblical account of the last days of Christ. The Satan vignettes woven throughout the movie were confusing at times, but I appreciated the artistic view into some of the inner struggles of the characters brought out by his presence. Very bloody - and yet I doubt that it was even as terrible as the real account. I did find it difficult to sit and watch some of the scenes - especially the flogging sequence. My wife sunk in her chair so she could rest her tense neck on the seat back. I felt the same throughout - eventually leaving with a head and neckache. Even with the tense nature of a few scenes, however, I found myself relaxing a bit toward the end as I knew the crucifixion story was coming to an end. I was even a little excited waiting in anticipation for some of the events (such as the earthquake post-crucifixion) to take place.
I'd recommend it with one clause: if you want to use it for evangelism, just invite someone to go see it with you. My church has just jumped on board with buying out two showings & selling tickets for church members to invite others to come to our 'exclusive' showing. I really don't know who would want to come to a 'church' showing of a movie that has gotten so much political backing from the Christian sub-culture that it is scary! Talk about feeling like you're walking into a bear trap! I think our pastor is even going to get up at the end of the showing and talk for a minute or two (although I don't think the theater will allow an altar call - thank God!). Invite a friend or a couple to go to the movie and then out to eat or for dessert/coffee afterwards. Don't worry about having a ten-question "follow-up guide" prepared or a pocket full of "The Passion of the Christ" tracts in your pocket. Believe me, the movie will be easy enough to have discussions about without any fake apologetics material getting in the way. Or, better yet, just talk about it when someone who knows you are a Christian asks you about what you think about the movie, whether you've seen the movie, etc. - all without you instigating a thing.
Posted by Kristo on February 25, 2004 at 02:53 PM
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[Anxiety]
I'm tense today. Partly due to watching the film (see entry below) and partly because I'm waiting on a phone call/email from a job prospect. I interviewed last week and felt good when I left the office. They were supposed to interview two other guys for the position on Monday & Tuesday of this week and then get back with me anytime beginning Wednesday (today). I told my wife this morning that I I'm a little dazed right now simply because I've been walking day-to-day with little resolution for about a year now. A phone call could provide a little bit of resolution for the first time. We'd at least know yes or no whether we are going to be moving, leaving the 'ministry' (I still cringe using that phrase since I really don't feel like I'm going to be leaving anything but being paid by a church), and our lives changing as we know them.
Posted by Kristo on February 25, 2004 at 03:11 PM
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February 26, 2004 11:13 PM
[Still.Waiting]
I'm pathetic.
I've actually been moping around all day today - maybe not consciously, but certainly in my general demeanor. I try not to think about things, but every time the phone rings my mind immediately shifts into the "maybe that's him" mode. It will be nice to be at home tomorrow (Friday) and not have the phone ringing off the hook like it has been lately at the church. My wife is so good - she fixed me some coffee, gave me the last brownie & told me she doesn't really care where we live - just that she's with me. She also told me that she sees where our eldest son (6 years now) gets his impatience. Point noted.
I'm extremely busy & stressed at this point. Not all of it has to do with the waiting and wondering about job possibilities. I do some freelance writing on the side and I have a looming assignment coming due in a couple of weeks that I have barely started doing prep work on. I told the guys in my small group on Wednesday night that I felt like I was in high school again - dreading the big paper that's due that you haven't even got started on. They didn't seem as concerned as I was (doesn't seem that high school guys are too concerned about much). Anyway, I spent an evening earlier in the week starting to research. Got my thoughts focused, which will help as I get into actually writing. Planning on hitting the coffee house in the morning for a few hours and pounding out the beginnings.
My other 'side job' (self-imposed) is in starting up a web design business. Actually, I've been doing it for about 7 years now on the side of every job I have had in that time period. Done many sites, just never got too organized in the 'business' side of it. Actually helping some friends' churches/youth ministries get set-up with a Movable Type-driven site that I will maintain & they will update the content on. It will provide a (very) little extra income at this point, but will help me build up my portofolio a little more & give me some good case studies/quotes to use on my site. Phase 2 will be learning some programming in order to develop an online CMS geared at smaller churches/youth ministries/spiritual formation groups.
Anyway, just got done working on some stuff for the past few hours and made some considerable headway. Hopefully after several cups of coffee in the morning & some ideas down on paper I'll feel a little better. If I don't get a phone call tomorrow, though, I'm not sure what to think. Probably shouldn't read too much into it if it does happen this way, but the owner of the business I interviewed with told me he'd get back to me this week.
When will I learn to trust in God? I'm usually pretty good about giving it up, but for some reason I'm struggling with this one. God, grant me grace and help me to "pour out {my} heart like water before the face of the Lord." (La 2:19)
Posted by Kristo on February 26, 2004 at 11:13 PM
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February 27, 2004 8:49 AM
[Articles]
I've posted several articles I've written over the past year or so. None have been published to this point (a couple are supposedly 'in the loop' to be put up on a site sometime soon). Just a little glimpse into my mind.
Posted by Kristo on February 27, 2004 at 08:49 AM
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[Still.Searching]
Well, I got the email I've been waiting for this afternoon & it wasn't the message I was hoping to hear. Basically they've called a couple other candidates in for interviews next Monday & "We feel like you would be an asset to our company, but feel led to pursue these other candidates first." The email was short, and kind of cryptic in a way, but clear enough that they're not ready to hire me, at least not yet. He did add: "There are some things happening here that could allow you to join our firm in the near future." This was the cryptic part - not sure what this means. Could mean, "we'll hold onto your resume." Could mean, "we may create a position that you'd fit perfectly into." Anyway, nice to take a deep breath and know something one way or another.
I've actually got another job prospect at a place where a friend of mine works. I'll know a little more on this front sometime next week. This job would be a little easier transition financially for us - but has a little less potential of advancement. Would be a smaller town (the other is in a big city) and we have friends their already. Actually, these are friends that have a lot of the same convictions about the church as we do. Good opportunity to be able to experiment with what it means to 'be' the church (instead of just 'doing' church) with them.
I told my wife that a lot of the impatience and worrying is like when we were transitioning to the place/work where we are at now (that was 6 1/2 years ago). The big difference is that then it was a case of feeling like this was where we were supposed to be and we were waiting on it to happen. This time it's the feeling that where we are is where we're not meant to be much longer and we are waiting on the next step to play out.
I'm having to continually place my life (all of it, at this point) into God's hands and trust Him with it. I know He is trustworthy - may I be found having faith in the midst of the uncertainty.
Posted by Kristo on February 27, 2004 at 08:17 PM
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