MyInwardJourney

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March 1, 2004 10:13 AM

[Lent.101]

Well, I made it exactly 45 minutes this morning with giving up coffee - the thing that I had determined I would give up during Lent this year. My 9 1/2 month old daughter waking up at 5:45a did me in. I got her bottle and then sat down with my Bible to get focused for the day (something that I have been missing most days lately). I kept falling asleep. I started to imagine what it would be like the rest of the day sans-caffeine and I thought I would be better off spiritually giving something else up. Stopping cold-turkey would be too difficult.

Which brings me back to square one. I grew up in a denomination (and still am in the same) which doesn't practice Lent, so this is all new for me. My wife & I decided we wanted to participate this year, but I'm having difficulty knowing what to give up. I drink 4-5 cups of coffee each day, so this one made sense as a sacrifice. My wife is contemplating giving up brownies - definitely a sacrifice. I know we're behind, but I'm cutting myself some slack as we learn this. I'm wanting to read-up a little this afternoon/evening on the history/practice of Lent so I can have a better grasp on it. That, coupled with determining my sacrifice, will put us at least a week behind getting started.

Posted by Kristo on March 1, 2004 at 10:13 AM
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March 3, 2004 12:02 AM

[Beside.Myself]

It has been an emotional last week. It started with the anxiety of not knowing if the job opportunity would go through, took a turn when the same seemed to dry up, and culminated with being generally depressed and having to sit through another torn evening of "The Passion."

As I mentioned last week, I've had mixed feelings about the movie - impacted by it on a personal level, but not sure how to handle it as a leader in our church. We have been encouraging youth parents to see this movie with their kids, rather than us taking a big group of youth to go see it. I still believe this is the best context to view it in - but we wanted to provide an opportunity for those whose parents couldn't or didn't want to go. That meant me driving one ninth grade guy to the theater & sitting through it again. I wasn't excited about this evening because (1) I would have rather spent the evening at home playing with my kids and relaxing with my wife, & (2) because I really didn't want to see the film again. I'm glad I saw it once - just didn't think I wanted to see it a second time.

It wasn't any easier this time. Same scenes brought me to tears and tense anguish as before. Had a good, short conversation with the ninth grader in the van on the way home followed by about 15 minutes of quiet reflection while listening to David Crowder & Charlie Hall. The relational part of the night was good - although one part did freak me out a bit. Something about going to the movies & looking around you & only seeing people from your church was too strange. I turned to a friend of mine & commented about this. I was tempted to add, "I don't remember seeing this many church people here when I saw the last Harry Potter movie" but decided against it.

On an added note: I have been walking around in a kind of depressed stupor for the last several days. It is getting harder and harder to go to the church & work each day as I long to be 'free' and experiencing the next step on the journey. Still waiting to here from either job opportunity - hopefully will hear something by the end of the week.

Posted by Kristo on March 3, 2004 at 12:02 AM
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March 5, 2004 11:10 PM

[One.Door.Closed]

Well, the door has finally closed on one job opportunity. There were brief traces of a door slightly cracked last week whenever I got a somewhat vague email from the office where I had interviewed previously. It sounded like it was closing then, but we thought there was an outside shot of something still coming about through it. No shot any longer. They've hired someone to fill the position. The only consolation was a sentence about a possibility arising in the near future to work their - but I think it was merely 'nice talk' to soften a rejection notice.

I'm a little disappointed ...
Disappointed because it was a great location that my wife & I both wanted to live.
Disappointed because it would have meant some kind of resolution to the ups & downs of our journey over the last year.
Disappointed because we are basically starting at square one again in this process.
& disappointed because they didn't feel I could 'cut it' - at least that they had some reservations about me.

The one thing I struggle with the most these days is the worry that I'm never going to be able to get a job and support my family doing anything else except official 'ministry' inside of a church. And, at this point, this is the one place that I have no desire to be. I could leave here & work for a different church - but I would feel like I was compromising so much of what God has opened my eyes to over the past 12 months. No, I will continue to keep my eyes fixed upon Him - waiting on His own timing & providence.

There is another opportunity on the horizon - one that would be in the computer field, which suits me much better than the closed one. I've applied and am waiting - will probably find out more in the next couple of weeks. Until then I keep moving forward, trying to be faithful to where I am at this moment and yet continuing to look forward and allow Him to point me in this new direction. Excitement mixed with anxiety ... but I guess that could be life in general.

Posted by Kristo on March 5, 2004 at 11:10 PM
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[God.In.A.Baby's.Eyes]

God has been using my baby daughter to reach me.

I took a sabbatical from having a daily "Quiet Time" (or at least struggling to have one) back in the Fall (see the article "I'm Quitting" for more details). I made a covenant to God that I would not seek Him in the same old way until the year was through. It was good because it forced me outside my complacency in seeking Him. I was forced to look beyond the 'formula' to see Him in the everyday-ness of life. I learned a lot about Him and a lot about how He relates to me through that time. It wasn't all good, though, as I faced the real danger of losing touch with His Word completely. I have struggled to regain that search since the new year hit.

I struggled, that is, until my baby daughter began waking up at 5:45-6:00a on a regular basis. By the time I got up & comforted her, or got her up to give her her bottle, I was awake. "No use wasting time," I thought, so I began to open my Bible for a few minutes on a somewhat consistent basis - not daily, but regularly. It's been good.

I whispered in baby girl's ears - "You know, God's using you to reach me." It was a good thought. It's good to know that God speaks through a baby's cries as much as He speaks to me through Scripture. Much more thought about this & what the Bible has started to become to me more - but too much for this moment. I'll have to explore that more another day.

Posted by Kristo on March 5, 2004 at 11:21 PM
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March 12, 2004 7:26 AM

[In.Context]

Something that is a pet peeve to me is our ability to either pull Scripture completely out of context or to over-spiritualize passages that weren't meant to be. For example, our pastor a couple of weeks ago preached on fasting and used Isaiah 58:3-7 as the passage. He went on to describe verse-by-verse the "How To's" of fasting. The problem for me is that he was going against what that very Scripture was talking about. God is saying through Isaiah that the people's fasting was worthless because they were allowing social injustices to take place. His heart was that they would reach out and loose the oppressed, feed the hungry, etc. Our pastor actually tried to 'spiritualize' the passage and said that we are freed from the chains of oppression (to habits, sin, etc.) by fasting. There may have been some truth to what He was teaching, but He wasn't getting it from Isaiah.

I've been wondering lately if we have committed a gross misuse of the Word of God when we allow ourselves to read it, soak it in, and try to allow it to shape us - all out of the context of the community of the people of God. This is something that I'm going to look into a little more, but I wonder how much of the Bible was actually God's Word given to individuals vs. community. Just looking at the New Testament I can only see five books (1-2 Timothy, 1-3 John) that were written to an individual in his/her immediate context. The rest were letters and books written to a group of Christians. Can we take something that God was speaking to a group of people & only apply it to our individual lives. Just seems like we're moving beyond what God has given to us. Not that we can't receive anything from Scripture on our own, but shouldn't the main context be within the community? Just a thought - will look more into it ...

Posted by Kristo on March 12, 2004 at 07:26 AM
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March 13, 2004 12:54 AM

[Marketing.Vs.Mission]

Tim Bednar over at e-church.com had a great post up yesterday regarding marketing Jesus being detrimental to sharing the Gospel. Great read - including the reference to Brian McLaren's Christianity Today article arguing against Outreach Marketing's claim that the Passion is "Perhaps the Best Outreach Opportunity in 2000 Years."

I just love reading Brian - so refreshing & right on track! Echoed much of my thoughts regarding the overcapitalization of the Passion of the Christ movie (mixed with my own inner turmoil balancing this with my sincere desire to see the movie for my own sake).

Posted by Kristo on March 13, 2004 at 12:54 AM
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March 15, 2004 10:54 AM

[New.Day]

"But there's one other thing I remember, and remembering, I keep a grip on hope: God's loyal love couldn't have run out, his merciful love couldn't have dried up. They're created new every morning. How great your faithfulness! I'm sticking with God (I say it over and over). He's all I've got left." (Lamentations 3:21-24, The Message)

What a difference a night's sleep can make. Yesterday was another one of those days - the kind I've been having more and more lately. I almost dreaded going to the church. I sat while our pastor was speaking & felt numb. It felt like I was sleep-walking through my ministry tasks throughout the day. Felt good to get home & unwind with my wife at the end of a long day.

We have a job opportunity possibly knocking on the door this week and we want to get it so bad. It's not that we want out of the church or out of 'the ministry' (there goes that phrase again), but more that we want to be free to serve Him without the bonds of the traditional church. The years here have been good, but we feel like our time here is done - our work has finished. We're excited and anxious at the same time over what is next.

I should know by the end of the week whether we will get a chance for an interview or not. I have a friend who works there and he has given my name/resume to his supervisor. Hopefully that will be enough to get to meet him face to face. I feel this is the only shot I have as I can't imagine anyone pulling my resume out of a pile for anything but church/ministry jobs. It's a job that I could do well & have been doing the type of work for the past 8 years, just not in an 'official' position (it's computer related). I just need someone to give me a chance.

Here I go - I was going to type about how much better I felt this morning (which I do) - just got off track. God is so good. He knows what is best for me and my family. It's trusting Him in that which is difficult. Trusting that if I don't get this job that He has something better in mind is hard to think about.

Posted by Kristo on March 15, 2004 at 10:54 AM
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March 16, 2004 1:05 PM

[Jesus'.Hairstylist]

Not sure which I find more humorous - the fact that Jesus had a hairstylist (Desideria Corridoni) or stunt doubles (Angelo Ragusa & Brandon Reininger).

Posted by Kristo on March 16, 2004 at 01:05 PM
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March 18, 2004 2:45 PM

[Strike.Two]

Well, it doesn't look like I'll be getting that phone call for an interview anytime soon. My friend called me a couple of afternoons ago and told me his supervisor had made a 'short list' of applicants to contact and that I wasn't on it. No surprise that the five they will be looking at all have experience 'in the field' (rather than me having done the same work, just under a different title within the church).

I was down for the remainder of the day, but have surprisingly been more upbeat the past two days. I don't know what God has in store, and I'm really tired of trying to figure out. I'm keeping my ears and eyes open for other job opportunities, but I told my wife that I didn't want to sit on my duff any longer waiting for that perfect job to come along before I get involved with being church as God is leading me.

We've kicked around the idea of beginning to get together with a few other individuals/couples we are friends with for dinner & conversation & just allowing it to breathe & flow from there. We're headed out of town for a few days to see family. Whenever we get back we're going to invite these people over within the next couple of weeks.

Mixed emotions ... somewhat dread having to face the music once again that it looks like we will not be leaving anytime soon ... somewhat excitement at what the future holds as we seek to cease to confine God into the box we have placed him in. May I move as He moves & come to know Him even more fully!

Posted by Kristo on March 18, 2004 at 02:45 PM
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March 22, 2004 9:58 PM

[Confused]

We've just got back into town from a few days away to visit some family. While it's good to be home, it is equally depressing in some ways. Found out tonight that our pastor brought up the subject of me doing full-time youth instead of the dual position that I do now (with music/worship). Not sure how I feel about all of this. I've been here for about 6 1/2 years now & it has been difficult (very) at times to juggle both roles, but now that I am faced with the possibility of relieving some of this tension I'm not so sure. The biggest issue is that I just don't want to do youth, nor be a 'youth minister' (without the slash) because that is not the direction I feel like God has been pointing us.

We've tossed around the option of leaving here to go to another church position a few times, but I just can't bring myself to do this. The only way is if I found a job that didn't quite meet the bills & I decided to take on a part-time church position to make up the difference temporarily. I would feel at this point like I would be compromising the convictions that have been developing over the course of the past year or so.

I want out of the confines of the 'church' to be who God is pointing me to be & do whatever He wants (without being tied down with church baggage & expectations). I'm confused. I don't understand God at all (big surprise). We keep trying to leave & the doors keep shutting in our face. I emailed an old supervisor at a previous job (the one we moved here from) to see if there were any openings. I haven't heard from him yet, but hope to sometime this week. I'm going to be looking into what it would take to get some computer certifications so that these businesses will (hopefully) look past my ministry background & take me halfway seriously. Until then we're continuing to pray that God will find us faithful & move when He sees fit.

Posted by Kristo on March 22, 2004 at 09:58 PM
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