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February 24, 2004 1:21 AM
[Can't.Sleep]
I don't know what is going on lately, but I've really been having trouble sleeping over the past week or so. It used to be that I could turn the light off, roll over and be out in a couple of seconds. Now it seems like my mind just won't slow down. Almost every time I lay down to go to sleep I am overwhelmed by thoughts. It's 1:00a right now & I felt like I needed to sit down and get some of this out of my system so that hopefully I can rest soon.
I'm worried ... and excited. There is a job possibility on the horizon that would be such a change for us in our life right now. It would mean a lot of changes, and I mean a LOT ...
- 'Secular' as opposed to 'Ministry' job (although I have issues with slapping around either of those labels - but for illustration's sake, I'll force myself to use them)
- Drop in base salary by close to half of what I'm making now
- Moving from a salaried to a salaried plus commission job
- Fixed weekly, 8-to-5 schedule as opposed to flexible, 24-hours-a-day on call, nights & weekends schedule
- Changing the very essence of what 'church' looks like for us - moving from the traditional, American 'church' (that you see almost everywhere around you) to a house-based, 'Word and Spirit' cell church
- Moving away from some in my family and moving closer to some in my wife's
- My wife working a part-time job for us to eek out a living for a little while as we adjust to a new career as opposed to her being able to be a full-time stay-at-home mom
- Some things that I'm able to assist her with surrounding our family will have to shift to her more because of the change in my work schedule
- Big city versus small town
- Having to take one of our kids out of school for the rest of the year (although he is only in Kindergarten and would have little impact on him)
- Our kids leaving friends that they've made and a place that they've always known
- Buying a home (or renting) as opposed to living in a parsonage
- And so on ...
I honestly could probably keep the list going for awhile, but I'll spare you any further details. Let's just say that this is a major life change moment for our family. And yet, even though I struggled with times of worry and wonder, as I am now, I still have this strange piece like I know it is the right thing. My wife has the same feeling. We're a little depressed over the struggle we are walking into on a lot of fronts, but totally excited about the possibilities as well.
God has been moving in our lives for almost a year now - gearing us in this direction of experimenting and experiencing what the church is to 'be' (not do as is the focus of most churches). We had hoped initially that we could express these things and venture out into unchartered territory and stay in our place of comfort - but we should have known better. God desires to stretch us beyond what we know of ourselves and what we know of Him. This excites me! I want to experience my God on a deeper level than I have ever known.
The Internet is the great place of comfort and koininia (fellowship) for me. When I feel alone, confused, like I'm losing my faith or rebelling against God (because I feel like I am rebelling against the church in many ways - not necessarily a bad thing), I get online and emmerse myself in what I see God doing around me. There is so much evidence that God is moving in new and fresh ways and calling His church, His bride, beyond the walls that they have so delicately constructed for themselves!
I want to explore this more, but right now I'm just worried. I don't doubt God - I will only doubt this opportunity if it comes crashing down in front of us (which I think is unlikely at this point). I will step forward into the life that God is calling us into on the next step of our journey with Him and will do so without wavering. My doubt, fears, worries, and apprehensions about what life may bring will be swallowed up by His great love and faithfulness to us. I will run to Him, rather than running from Him, whenever life doesn't make sense and when I wonder if I can go on. And I will embrace a God who refuses to be defined and bound by my feeble intellect and faith.
Posted by Kristo on February 24, 2004 at 01:21 AM | Permalink
Comments
Keep being encouraged secret person! I'm checkin in on you - interesting story. Sounds like very exciting times ahead for you guys. Grace and Peace be with you.
Posted by: + Alan at February 25, 2004 2:12 PM
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